Before you run

What drives you to join politics? This came to me when I opened my Facebook last week and saw all these epiphanies on my wall on what inspired them to run for public office.

Of course, it is easier to run for a private office especially if you have the key. If not, you can always knock.

Some have the flair on how to run for public office. Atty. Jose Molintas and his LP group came in yellow. Except for Nick Aliping, their congressional bet, who has to run in red because that is his totem color,

This left Ryan Mangusan in a quandary. Everyone who knows Ryan knows he loves wearing red even when he was young. But he is running as councilor under the Timpuyog party so he has to wear green. Ryan in green is not Ryan. Hope he wore something red.

I remembered a magic lipstick which an aunt proudly demonstrated which is colored green but when you dab it in your lips, it magically becomes red. That was the only time I noticed lipstick in my life.  

Grace Poe came with her mother Susan Roces when she runs anew for senator. Wouldn’t it have been nicer if she rode a horse and wore a leather vest? That way people would connect her with her father FPJ aka Panday.

The Cayetanos, in fairness, had a flair for entrances. Pia came biking because she was a triathlete and has to flaunt it. Her brother came in a moped, driven by Bong Go. Bong Go came with Duterte.

Comelec knew about spectacle because they set up the filing for senators on a stage, with three tables. So from afar, it would look like a televised chess or scrabble game during the semifinals.

And then all the provincial Comelec offices have a photo wall where the candidates were made to pose after filing. Supposedly for record purposes.

I hope next time they bring props like giant mustaches, sunglasses and wigs and they have five seconds to choose their outfit. Maybe they can add political props like ballot boxes, envelopes or ampaos, babies to kiss, guns, goons, gold, flags, jetskis, skeletons in closets, mud, blackouts. stars, stripes, small mushrooms, horse heads, Russian hackers, trolls, spinning toys, knives, knaves, lots of cash.

The way the Tibetans choose the next lama is to have the babies choose five objects among the pile in front of them. The one who chooses the right five objects ascertained by the priests would be The One. I don’t know if we can do that with our presidents. But I hope at least they would choose would turn out to be a landmine so they can be maimed for life.

I hope joining public office would be this perilous. I heard a proposal that only those who finished college should run. Which is stupid because everyone should be free to run. There are out of school youths who are more politically capable compared to a roomful of AB Political Science graduates.

I’d rather that all senatorial candidates should bring a picture of their libraries and then the Comelec registrars would go to their house and inspect if these were really read with all the dog ears and notes on the margins. But some can buy used books so they can compare handwritings and highlighters.  

Did they classify their books by subjects or colors? The number of books as well as the quality should matter.

Many can fake it so well, acquiring collections for fake purposes, so the registrars should go ahead and take five books randomly from the shelves.

For the first and second books, the candidates should have to make a two-paragraph essay about 5em. What is it about or, failing that because they can say they just got it, why did they buy the book? Was it the cover? The author?

The third book would be judged according to Obama’s reading list.

The fourth would be spread with both covers on the end of the table. The page that is most open would be the basis of testing. If it was the dirty page, so be it. Danielle Steele or Stormy Daniels? At least we would know what titillates them.

The fifth book would be placed in front of the candidates. A page would be folded or tore or drawn and the reaction on their face or hands would be observed. Did they flinch? Did they cry? No reaction?

The results should be published and a group of bibliophiles would make their choices. Those who were outed to have not read a single book — or in the case of Pacquiao, one single misread book — would be chained in real libraries and made to stay inside for three years.