How To Make Headlines

Decades ago, the New York Times wrote about the opponents of dead strongman Ferdinand Marcos fearing for their lives. But the esteemed NYT made the charge ludicrous with theis headline:

MARCOS' OPPONENTS CHARGE
AIM IS THEIR EXTERMINATION

NYT can also be damn simple with headlines like these:

DISCORD AMONG SIKHS
BLOCKS UNITY

FRIED CHICKEN
OFFICIAL IMPROVED

FIRST LADY LOOKS TO
PARENTS ON DRUGS

PRODUCER FINDS ART OF PRODUCING
LIES IN SHOWBUSINESS

MOON CHURCH TOLD
TO PRODUCE WOMAN

which is similar to The Indiana Evening Gazette: DR. TACKETT GIVES TALK ON MOON. In the first one, it was talking about the Moonist Church while Tackett was giving a talk about the moon.

or this announcement from The Wellesley Townsman:

CARNIVOROUS
PLANTS TALK
AT BROADMOOR

This classic from The New York Daily News (so Cubist):

PABLO PICASSO
IS DEAD AT 91
ROOF COLLAPSED AFTER WARNING

New York Post had this headline:

PONTIFF MUM ON
GAY HIRING

I got a text about not getting the joke. "Mum" here either the British mother or "mum" as in quiet about it. Another religious headline from The Brooklyn Daily News:

FRANCISCAN SISTERS
BALL TOMORROW
TO AID THE POOR

The Peoria Journal Star:

CHOU REMAINS
CREMATED

A Reuters story, ‘Indian village uploads itself onto Internet,’ was picked up by a lot of newspapers around the world. By ‘uploads,’ all that was meant was that Hansdehar: Pop. 1753, the north Indian village in question, got itself a Web site.

Then there are these headlines which have no citations so some may be faked:

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one

Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

House passes gas tax onto senate

Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted

Quarter of a million Chinese live on water

Iraqi head seeks arms

Eye drops off shelf

Dealers will hear car talk at noon

Enraged cow injures farmer with ax

Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests

Miners refuse to work after death

Two Soviet ships collide--one dies

Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

They say that "MAN BITES DOG" is a story but "Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim" is a headline mistake. Which makes it a story.