Jeepney Rules

I heard on podcast that Carlos Celdran never rode a public utility jeep. Celdran, who conducts the ultimate walking tour of Intramuros and Binondo, would have a more enriching knowledge of the real Manila had he taken the jeepney and become a social observer. I’ve been doing that for most of my life and have compiled these seminal rules for you.

When you ride a jeep, you lose your private sphere. In fact, the whole jeep becomes your social bubble. Do not try to be haughty. Don't smoke. You lose all your economic classes once you rode the jeep. There is no Class A, B, C, D or E. You are all Class J. The only classes allowed are Seniors/Students and The Rest of the Country; only because of fare discounts. In case that your jeep is sinking, the Titanic rule remains: Women and children first.

1) Do not stand in the way of the “jeepney mob.” The term refers to the group of people about to ride a jeep. This is a true story from good friend, Cris Michelena, an ad executive, actor and frat avatar. He was in Cubao early morning when the “jeepney mob” came his way. They were all coming at him. He thought, being a veteran of frat wars, that they were after him. He tried to hurt as many men (not the women and children) as possible with his bare hands only to realize that they were not after him but after the first jeep to Antipolo.
2) Remember what Gary Granada sang, “usog-usog nang kaunti.” If you are the first to reach an empty jeep, try to fill up the farthest seat. Don’t give the alibi that you are just going “there.” Everybody is going “there.” Exempted are the magtataho, those holding an LPG tank or five gallon tank and those with a bunch of balloons. 2 a) Don’t throw a cigarette butt on a bunch of balloons in a jeepney. This actually happened and this was the time when balloons were filled with helium.
3) If you are rather big-boned, try to assess the situation where to put your ass. Try to ride on the side where there is a majority of thin people. Don’t try to put your entire ass on the seat. If there are two of you, separate. Try to be blind and deaf during the entire trip especially when you say, “Isa po a Quiapo” and you would hear someone beside you say, “Kung isa iyan, ano na ako?”
4) The punk situation. It happened once to a friend, Gerry, that a punk with an attitude hairdo sat beside her. It was like sitting with a porcupine. If you are a punk, walk on the wild side.
5) If you ride a jeep, use your “Holdap phone.” This is the inexpensive cellphone you would not mind fighting your life for. Or maybe yet, don’t bring out your phone. Or be like Chi B, as you ride the jeep, text your significant other/s that you just rode a jeep and don’t bother to text or call me unless necessary.
6) If you are wearing a mini or whatever compromising wardrobe, sit in front of the women. Ride on the side of the men. Use a newspaper as shield.
7) There is no translation to “Para!” Not “Brake!” or “Stop.” Wherever you are, from Davao to Kiangan, it is “Para!” although in para, I heard an old Kiangan woman say, “Stop right there.” Unless you are my English professor Dr. Mendiola who says, “Paki-hinto lang po sa tabi.” This same teacher when he reaches Heaven would say, “It is I” when called by St. Peter. “It is me” is just so wrong. How loud your “Para!” is depends on your distance from the driver. If you are soft-spoken, use a coin to clink on the jeep’s ceiling or the handlebar. Or if the ceiling is cushioned and there is no handlebar, tell your seatmate to shout for you.
8) Older jeepney drivers tend to be patient. Not a good thing because that means they are more patient in waiting for imaginary passengers. They can wait for Godot. If you are in a hurry, ride the younger maniacal drivers especially those with stickers like “Basta Driver, Sweet Lover.”
9) God Knows Judas Not Pay. If it happens that you forgot your fare money and you are a regular, tell the driver that you will pay him (ideal). If not, try to “Para” immediately (ideal). Try to pretend you paid but in Manila, I noticed that the drivers know who paid. “O yang nagtutulog-tulogan diyan sa gilid. Yung naka orange. Di pa nagbabayad.” Deny like hell and leave when there are two or more leaving. Don’t pay with a P500 or P1,000 bill. Some drivers have a cache of 1,000 one peso coins and they will indeed pay you with them to teach you a lesson.
10) Enjoy the ride. If there is a mother who has three young kids and she is paying for only one, don’t be a snob. Try to “kalong” one of them. Try to strike a friendly conversation about pleasant things. You just might be talking to a potential holdupper and your talk would have changed his ways.