Friday, March 30, 2007

If Rome Had the Internet

* The destruction of Pompeii in 79AD is the most viewed video at YouTube. The first comment is..."OMG so cool! Volcanos ROCK!"
* Attila the Hun has his own MySpace page. Nobody ever rejects his "invite a friend" emails.
* The soothsayer's "Ides of March" email fails to get Caesar's proper attention as it's inadvertently filtered into his junk folder.
* But at least Caesar's "Et tu Brute?" comment is available as a free ringtone download.
* The domain gladiator.rome sells for the record sum of 1,000,000 denarii.
* The owner of hadriansucks.rome is compelled to hand over both the domain name and selected body parts by an independent domain tribunal chaired by...Emperor Hadrian.
* "Naked Cleopatra" is the top search term on Google.
* Unfortunately, the Queen of Egypt dies an early death after misunderstanding IT's call to embrace an ASP solution.
* Hannibal blogs his way across the Alps with posts like, "Whoops, lost another elephant today."
* But he runs out of money when his PPC budget is plundered by an iberian click scam organized by Publius Cornelius Scipio.
* opens, initially selling scrolls and tablets before expanding to include togas, pottery, and do-it-yourself mosaic kits.
* Websites like pollute the search listings thanks to generous commissions at the affiliate program.
* Roman programmers moan about projects outsourced to cheap coders in Mesopotamia.
* The Colosseum is renamed the eBay Colosseum, with free wireless hotspots outside the lark's tongue restaurant.
* The volume of spam collapses when the penalty for not providing a working opt-out mechanism becomes equal billing with the lions at the eBay Colosseum.
* But we still get emails featuring Brunhilda, the lonely Visigoth, and hot deals on cheap peacock livers from Gaul.
* Nobody invents a spam filter good enough for the House of the Vestals.
* Classical geeks wear t-shirts proclaiming, "there's no place like CXXVII.0.0.I" (bonus points if you get that one)
* Finally, Rome burns to the ground while Emperor Nero battles online with Hakkar the Soulflayer in World of Warcraft.


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