Saturday, February 03, 2007

Pig Jokes

I bought a jokebook on pigs for P15. These are not one of them because these are profound:

Why Did the Pig Cross the Road ?

Plato: For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability..
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a pig which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of porcine virtue? In such a manner is the princely pig's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the pig crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the pig and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual pigs cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the pig found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "pig" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the pig crossed the road or the road crossed the pig depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own pig-nature.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic,unprecedented porcine quadruped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly elegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal sow-principle made it do it.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the pig was on, but it was moving very fast.
Schrodinger: Pig? Pig!? Where's my cat?
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Frank Perdue: I breed the finest pig I know how, and it crosses the road as part of a vigorous fitness program to raise the leanest, plumpest pigs anywhere. Besides, I was chasing it with this axe at the time.
Ronald Reagan: I don't recall.
The Sphinx: You tell me
Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Molly Yard: It was a sow!
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.


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