Monday, October 23, 2006

Liberal Heart Attacks

In a recent study performed by researchers at Drew Fallon College near Redding, CA, suggests that people passionate in liberal causes tend to suffer more heart-related ailments.

Susan Belusco, who led the research, managed to gather three study groups, one group of 115 people claiming to be passionate over conservative causes, a second group of 115 claiming to be passionate over liberal causes, and a third group of 115 people who claiming not to pay much attention to political issues, dubbed the "neutral group".

"The conservative and neutral groups seemed to share similar vitals after testings on the EKG and the treadmill", notes Belusco. "Blood pressure readings didn't seem to vary much between these two groups. However, the liberal group showed remarkably higher number of people above the healthy blood pressure range, and treadmill tests suggested a higher number of people with weaker cardiac rhythm, and more stressed breathing."

Overall, Belusco notes the liberal group had an 18% higher rate of cardio-pulmonary risk factors, ranging from hypertension, to smoking, to being overweight.

A psychological analysis conducted by Belusco's assistant, Jonathan Fitz, showed that the liberal group tended to have more sleeping problems, and experienced higher cases of stress. "Tests we've conducted showed the liberal group tended to have higher feelings of hopelessness than with the conservative and neutral groups", Fitz explains.

Dr. Isao Yamashita, who studies the effects of current events on human behavior at Cowle Laboratories, Inc. in Payson, AZ, took an interest in the study and offered some explanations surrounding the results.

"Within the past 10 years, we've witnessed certain events that tend to weigh more heavily on people active in the liberal movement", says Yamashita. "News of global warming, Americans voting for more conservative politicians, the building of more Wal-Mart stores, these things and more are putting liberals under greater stress".

Yamashita also points to more clinical matters, such as a correlation of caffeine addiction with the increase of coffee houses, higher sodium intake with the popularity of tofu-based substitutes, and an increase in electro-magnetic radiation from driving hybrid cars.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tsk tsk tsk. Kawawang mga liberal, kawawang mga bleeding hearts.

FRANKLY my dear, I do give a damn.

How do you get people to read your blog?

5:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In short, worrying about humanity will kill you.

Also, tofu is evil.

11:24 AM  
Anonymous Shy Mango said...

You get people to read your blog by leaving comments on other blogs. An interesting name (or handle) or comment will make me want to know more about the "commenter". My dos-centimos...

12:46 PM  
Blogger frank cimatu said...

padma i don't know. you know us writers we treat blogs as notebooks.

8:16 AM  

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