Friday, May 19, 2006

Last Week

While you were sleeping last week, this is what happened to our world (from Harper's Weekly). It was revealed that the National Security Agency, with the assistance of AT&T, Verizon, and BellSouth, has secretly stored the phone call records of tens of millions of Americans. "It's the largest database ever assembled in the world" said an anonymous whistleblower. It was reported that the United States was analyzing phone call records of reporters from ABC News, the New York Times, and the Washington Post to determine the identities of CIA employees who leak information to the press. In Canada scientists confirmed that an odd-looking bear shot and killed in April was a "grolar" bear (half polar bear, half grizzly), thus exempting the hunter who shot the bear from paying a grizzly-killing fine. Scientists announced that the recently discovered species of Tanzanian monkey which utters distinctive honk barks is different enough from a mangabey to merit inclusion in its own, new genus, Rungwecebus. At a zoo in the Netherlands three bears ate a monkey. "The macaque," said an eyewitness, "was shrieking and resisting." Bananas, said the United Nations, were in danger of extinction. Snoop Dogg was banned for life from the United Kingdom. A Baptist church in Britain was planning to wash cars with baptismal-font water. Scientists in Illinois said that they had refined a process that transforms pig manure into crude oil, and suggested that up to 3.6 gallons of crude oil could be generated daily per pig. Gas in Venezuela was selling for $0.12 per gallon, and a British inventor claimed to have created a car that gets 8,000 miles per gallon, improving on his previous record of 6,603 miles per gallon. Army recruiters in Portland, Oregon, were under investigation for recruiting an autistic boy for a dangerous position in the cavalry scouts. The Israeli army announced that female soldiers must not lower the waistline of their pants or take in their shirts. A small plane carrying Senator Edward Kennedy (D., Mass.) landed safely after being struck by lightning, and a model airplane crash in Hungary killed two people. Bird flu appeared to have been eradicated in Thailand and Vietnam. In Florida an alligator that recently killed a jogger was caught with the jogger's arms in its stomach. FEMA announced that it was ready for the Atlantic hurricane season, which starts June 1, and a tornado struck Wizard of Oz Drive in Hillsboro, Ohio. Saddam Hussein said that he was ready to die, and a woman in Moon Township, Pennsylvania, found a potato shaped like a heart. The United Nations said that 1,200 people were dying in Congo each day. In Kenya pilgrims were traveling to Mombasa to see a miraculous tuna with a Koranic verse inscribed into its scales. "God," reads the tuna, "is the greatest of all providers."


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